I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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