I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
where am i from again
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
