he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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