he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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