Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
