There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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