gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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