I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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