so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
