Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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