i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
