if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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