It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
