I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
