We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
