I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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