i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Randomize
