just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
