I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
