Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Hippo gnu deer
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
