I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
