my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
