hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just cropdusted the office
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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