I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
