btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
When did angry sex become our thing?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
