I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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