im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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