I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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