be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
