I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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