the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize