so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
