Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
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