turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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