i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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