My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
