I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
