even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
