i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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