my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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