cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize