Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
