We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You are a genius and a whore.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
