I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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