You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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