Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
