I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize