Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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