my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
