I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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