the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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