The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
