so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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