I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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