Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just cut my nipple shaving
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
whose parrot is this?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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