The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
