Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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