So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
